The window of tolerance is a framework for understanding our own and others’ sense of how capable we are of dealing with stress at any given moment. Think of a time when something stressful happened and you thought to yourself, “I can’t handle this right now”- that could mean you were outside your window of tolerance. Now think of a time when something stressful came up and you felt calm and capable, and were able to problem solve- this would be an example of being within your window of tolerance. 

What pushes us outside our window of tolerance? 

Why are we sometimes able to handle challenges, while other times it feels like too much? 

Our brains are incredible and complex, and have evolved lots of ways to protect us from danger- what is often referred to as our Fight, Flight, Freeze, or Fawn response. We need this for helping us react to danger, but sometimes our brain chemistry, our experiences, and the pace of the modern world collide resulting in reactions we struggle to understand or control.

Traumatic experiences from our past or present, prolonged stress, or grief are some of the experiences that can trigger our flight, fight, freeze or fawn response. We may find ourselves feeling irritable and lashing out or feeling anxious but unable to focus (hyperaroused, fight or flight). Or maybe we feel fatigued and numb, or weak but watchful (hypoaroused, freeze or fawn). 

Feeling these ways would likely alert us that we are outside of our window of tolerance. If another challenge comes along when we’re already feeling this way, it’s easy to feel like we’re being pushed right to our edge and to struggle to treat ourselves and others with kindness. 

How can we get back in our window of tolerance? 

Luckily, our incredible and complex brains and bodies come equipped with wonderful tools to help us regulate ourselves. 

Hyperarousal: 

Breathing: It sounds almost too simple to work, but slow and calm breathing is a powerful way to help your nervous system return to balance. Try “box breathing” by breathing in to a count of 4, holding for 4, breathing out for 4, holding for 4, and repeat a few times. You can add simple arm movements or a hum on the exhale if that feels good. 

Crying: Let it out! When the tears come, it’s a sign from our body that it’s holding a lot inside. Crying helps regulate our nervous system and releases feel good chemicals that can ease pain and help us connect to positive feelings. 

Hypoarousal: 

Activity: When we are feeling low it can be really hard to be active, but using our bodies has a major impact on our sense of well-being. Taking a walk or doing a big full body stretch can re-energize us when we feel lethargic. Think about the physical activities that you like to do, and you have thought of ways to move back into your window.

Human connection: We are social creatures and most likely to thrive in systems of mutual support. Sitting with people over a meal or enjoying a TV show together are simple ways to stay connected. Talk out your struggles with people you trust, and be there to hear theirs too. It’s a great idea to find a therapist to talk things out with too; someone with training and resources and who is invested in your wellbeing. 

I need to talk to my kid/spouse/friend/parent about something uncomfortable, how can I tell if they are in their window of tolerance? 

Challenging conversations can be hard to start, but they can also be moments that bring us closer to our loved ones. Sometimes, a person’s behaviours and words can give us clues to whether they might have capacity to engage with challenging topics. 

Outside of the window: fidgeting, irritable, isolating, complaining of a headache or nausea, yelling, slamming doors, not speaking or responding, zoning out. 

Inside of window: relaxed body, making eye contact, able to concentrate, neutral tone of voice, laughing, active. 

Each of us have our own ways of expressing comfort and discomfort. The best way to understand the people in your life is to ask about them! Here are a few ways to check in with someone about their capacity: 

– I’ve had something on my mind- do you feel up for talking to me? 

– It seems like it was a stressful day and you need a little chill time. Can you come find me when you’ve had some time to relax? 

– Thank you for helping with dinner. Before I do the dishes can we have some dessert and talk for a bit? 

Your capacity and your person’s capacity won’t always align, but learning to recognize the times when they do can help challenging conversations happen in a more connective way. Practicing tools that help us regulate and respect each others’ needs can help foster the loving connections we seek in our important relationships.