You’ve probably heard someone described as “a total narcissist” after they took one too many selfies. Narcissistic traits go well beyond vanity and enormous egos. It manifests in both personal and professional relationship settings as consistent behaviours like lying, manipulating, controlling narratives, avoiding accountability, and having no scruples. In their wake, narcissists destroy the compass that people use to trust their instincts, erode self-esteem and create emotional exhaustion. Understanding narcissism can allow individuals to protect their emotional well-being by setting boundaries and making informed choices about the relationships they maintain.

In this blog, we address the following:

• What is Narcissism?
• How Narcissism Impacts Relationships
• Awareness, Coping & Healing from Narcissistic Abuse

What Is Narcissism?

People occasionally act entitled, controlling, or overly focused on appearances. This does not make them narcissists when the behaviours are situational and temporary.

According to the DSM-5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Version 5), NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) is a pervasive pattern of combined behaviours. The disorder is confirmed when a cluster of five of the nine behavioural criteria has been present in a person since early childhood. They include a grandiose sense of self-importance, fantasies of success, a belief in being special, a need for excessive admiration, a sense of entitlement, exploiting others, a lack of empathy, envy, and arrogant behaviours. 

Clinical Psychologist, Dr. Ramani Durvasula, is widely recognized for her extensive work on recognizing narcissists and the harmful effects of narcissistic abuse. She breaks narcissism into the following subtypes, but maintains that narcissists are, in fact, a cocktail of the subtypes.

1. The Grandiose Narcissist:

Also known as the “prototype narcissist”. Miranda Priestly in The Devil Wears Prada embodies a stereotypical grandiose narcissist. She is charming, authoritative and impeccably polished on the surface. However, she maintains control and feeds her own ego by ruthlessly manipulating and dismissing others’ needs.

2. The Covert/Vulnerable Narcissist:

Perhaps the most insidious of the lot, this individual is the perpetual victim who blames everyone else for their lacklustre life. They use their narcissistic traits to disguise insecurity, are hypersensitive, and defensive. Kylo Ren in Star Wars exhibits characteristics of a covert narcissist: brooding, insecure, and emotionally volatile, he masks his deep need for admiration and validation behind anger, self-pity, and a tortured sense of uniqueness.

2. The Malignant Narcissist:

This is a severe type of narcissism that includes psychopathy and machiavaillism. Joffrey Baratheon in Game of Thrones is a textbook malignant narcissist. Cruel, controlling, exploitative, antagonistic, sadistic and quite paranoid. He revels in wielding power to intimidate, torture, humiliate, and control others without remorse.

4. The Communal Narcissist:

This individual appears altruistic – a saviour, rescuer or do-gooder. But they are motivated by admiration and recognition, often in “cult-like” groups. Tommy Shelby from the TV series Peaky Blinders positions his actions in the service of his family or community. At the same time, his underlying motivation remains personal power and control.

5. The Neglectful Narcissist:

Joan Crawford in Mommie Dearest was portrayed as a neglectful narcissist. Obsessed with her image and personal ambitions, she prioritized control and appearances over her children’s emotional needs, leaving them fearful and emotionally starved. Neglectful narcissists treat relationships as transactional and only invest in those who benefit them.

6. The Self-Righteous Narcissist:

This rigid, judgmental, and moralistic individual chooses rules over empathy. The character, Dolores Umbridge, in Harry Potter is a self-righteous narcissist. Obsessively controlling and morally superior, she enforces her authority with rigid rules and condescension, valuing her own sense of power above others’ well-being.

7. The Generational/Cultural Narcissist:

Rooted in hierarchy, patriarchy or systemic oppression, Violet Crawley in Downton Abbey is an example of a cultural narcissist. Deeply proud of tradition and social status, she measures others by their adherence to societal norms and relentlessly upholds her own worldview as superior.

How Narcissism Impacts Relationships

A person with narcissistic traits can have insight into their behaviour and a willingness to change. Those with NPD, however, rarely see themselves as the problem. The disorder inherently comes with a denial to look within and a complete lack of self-awareness. Combined with the absence of empathy, narcissists are blind to the harm they cause. In fact, many are so adept at twisting facts that they turn the tables to make the person accusing them of being the narcissist. Unfortunately, neither children nor adults are immune to its destructive impact.

Parent-Child Relationships

A narcissistic parent can have a profound and lasting impact on a child’s emotional development. Controlling, self-centred and emotionally unavailable parents create children who suppress their own needs to keep the peace or gain approval. Because the parent prioritizes their image and emotional gratification over the child’s well-being, these children grow up feeling unseen, unheard, or, worst of all, responsible for the parent’s moods. Their developmental years are marked by chronic self-doubt and anxiety. They become people-pleasers and struggle to set healthy boundaries in adulthood. This dynamic shapes their identity, relationships and lives long after they leave home.

Intimate Partner Relationships

Almost always, a narcissist begins romantic relationships with love bombing and intensely idealizing their partner. Adept in manipulation, they mirror your needs, come to understand your weaknesses and become the perfect partner. Once they feel secure in the relationship, they begin the devaluation phase with criticism, blame, gaslighting and emotional withdrawal. This stage satisfies their intense need for power and control. As matters intensify, they contemptuously discard you. If you try to leave, the cycle of idealization begins again, where they “hoover” you back with apologies, promises to change, gifts and accolades.

The cycle repeats itself multiple times, and through it, they exaggerate their contributions and minimize yours. This leaves you questioning your memories and reality. It destroys your self-esteem and ability to trust your instincts so much that you do not recognize the toxicity. Over time, you find yourself walking on eggshells, becoming defensive and sacrificing your own needs to regain their approval and maintain the peace. You may even become dependent on the narcissist both emotionally and financially, making it harder for you to leave. Law enforcement has documented how, in physically abusive relationships, women in particular are at risk of losing their lives when attempting to escape.

Workplace Relationships

Psychological research has documented how individuals with narcissistic traits attain positions of power. Leadership roles align with their desire for status, attention and control. Working with a narcissistic boss can take a significant toll on your confidence, productivity, and overall well-being. Narcissistic leaders demand admiration, take credit for others’ work, and react defensively to even gentle feedback. They create unpredictable work environments where employees constantly have to prove themselves and tolerate unfair criticism. Workplaces with narcissistic leadership tend to have a revolving door of workers due to burnout, anxiety, lack of teamwork or pathways for professional growth.

Awareness Coping & Healing from Narcissistic Abuse

Unfortunately, individuals only recognize narcissistic abuse after they have endured the worst of it, and this is why spreading awareness remains critical. Amazingly, the most effective forum to help people understand narcissism is in high schools, where teenagers and young adults are just beginning to form relationships. Currently, mental health education within schools remains focused on addressing issues related to stress management, neurodiversity, emotional regulation, etc.

While these are also important topics, there is hardly any advocacy for including interpersonal relationship education in the fold. Understanding narcissism early in life can help individuals address traits within themselves, and bring them to check. It can also help teenagers recognize the traits in others, so they can protect themselves from harm, and remain confident about the relationship choices they make, both personally and professionally, as they become adults.

For now, the best support for narcissism comes from psychotherapy. If you believe you have narcissistic traits and want to avoid the pitfalls of their manifestation, a qualified therapist can help you understand yourself and the unhealthy thought patterns that drive you to behave in a particular manner. If you are in a relationship with a narcissist, a therapist can help you develop boundaries that keep you emotionally safe and communication skills to strengthen your self-confidence.

Psychotherapy is the most important support you can seek to heal from the oppressive impact of narcissistic abuse. A trauma-informed therapist can validate your turmoil, help you rebuild your self-esteem and confidence, and teach you how to trust again.

At Shanti Psychotherapy, we help you navigate difficult relationship dynamics in a safe, confidential and non-judgemental environment. In addition, our deep experience with culturally-attuned psychotherapy practices allows us to inject cultural, family and systemic influences that shape your experience.